Sorry if you’re following me. I went on vacation to Austin for RTX2016 and I kind of fell off the map along with the wagon. The healthy food wagon, that is. I don’t drink. My meds said I can’t. Also, liquor isn’t paleo friendly! I don’t take you for a beer person, do I? I’m a whiskey girl. Er, was. I’m getting back on the paleo train starting TODAY. It should help with my pain since it’s been known to relieve inflammation naturally. That should help a bunch since I’m allergic to NSAIDs. No aspirin, naproxen, iburprofen, or relief at all really. I’ve been in a lot of pain this week. In case you forgot, I suffer from extreme chronic back pain. It hurts to sit, stand, lie down, walk, running is out of the question (I’m not just lazy; I tried, it’s terribly painful). I can’t lift anything, push or pull anything. I do anyway because life says it’s impossible not to, especially with a gardening habit. But I try hard not to. Come to think of it, I did cut the grass this past weekend because my boyfriend was asleep before I woke up, so I couldn’t ask him to cut the grass before my mom and I put together my new flower garden. I should take some pictures and post them here. I love my garden. I’m trying to make a complete butterfly garden. The honey bees have taken over the makeshift bird bath, but that’s okay. I have tons of milkweed, mostly baby plants I grew from seed, and some pollinator favorites. I started writing today because my back is killing me and I wanted to just throw out there that sometimes I’m in so much pain I wonder, why am I still here? What could possibly be worth it? My cats, I suppose. I can’t live without my Gavy. He’s my angel. Anyway, maybe I’ll keep up with this now that I’ve taken a month break. Hasta luego possiblemente. I don’t think that’s a real Spanish word, but whatevs. I don’t really say whatevs. I say whatever, like an adult. Yeah.
I did very well yesterday. I was proud of myself for making great food choices and not allowing myself to do something I would regret. I didn’t do as much cardio as I wanted, but I did go for a walk with my mom. That is always great in my opinion. Today is not as bright as yesterday. I’m still on track with my food choices, although it’s only 11:09AM, I’m confident I can continue to do well. Unfortunately, my pain level is outrageous today. I’m just so tired of being in pain constantly. My lower back pain is so severe that sometimes I just don’t want to do it anymore. Today, I lost my patience in a second flat with my co-worker. I am not proud of that. I didn’t get mad at her, I just couldn’t be pleasant. I work in a professional environment. I’m usually the glue in my office. I can’t lose my patience. I didn’t even lose my patience with her. I lose my patience with myself. I’m tired. I couldn’t wrap my head around figuring out how to explain something without upsetting her or making her feel bad. I’m upset and feel bad all the time. All. The. Time. No one tries to make me feel better or keep me from hurting. Not that anything they did would help. I’m just so tired. I’m supposed to go on vacation to Austin tomorrow. I hope I feel better this weekend. I love RTX and this will be my third year going. I feel like the Cage the Elephant song that says, “God, don’t let me lose my mind.” I need my cats in my lap right now. Maybe I should just leave work early and finish the day from home. I feel guilty because I’ll be out of the office until next Wednesday, but I guess I shouldn’t. I didn’t choose this pain. The pain chose me. It’s been over two years of nearly constant pain, with or without pain medication. I hate that the pain seeps in and makes these horrid attempts to slaughter my mental wellness. I wasn’t all that well to begin with so this is devastating. Now, I’m just. Tired.
Well, the weekend wasn’t a total bust. I ate some carbs that I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t have nearly as many as I usually do. I didn’t do any exercise other than some light gardening. I did some work later in the evening, and forgot my Dad and step-mom’s anniversary 😦 and I feel pretty bad that I did. I spent most of my time outside sweating on my back porch because I love watching the birds. I transplanted some of the pennyroyals I’ve been growing. I have over 200 milkweed plants in my yard now, and I have six Monarch butterfly chrysalis safely suspended in a zip-up mesh laundry hamper on my porch. They will be hatching beginning Sunday. I had a good day today. I finished my work from home as soon as I got home and proceeded to do some cardio! Yaay, me! I had fruit for breakfast, a chicken salad for lunch, and chicken with veggies for dinner. I added a little BBQ sauce to the veggies and chicken, but it is still at least 100 times better than what I probably had a week ago for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I just got a cat in my lap. Little Zelda is so sweet. I have three cats; for now. We’ll see where that goes. I’m extremely open to being a crazy cat lady. I have nothing better to do with my life. Except, work, finish school, and spend time with my family. But only one of those things is actually better than having more cats. I’ll post some pictures of my cats later. I have Zelda, Zoey, and Gavin. Little Gavy is my baby. He’s my favorite. I don’t tell the other ones, though. I tell them they’re all my favorite. I’ll have to write about how I got them all later. As for now, I need to do some school work. I’m behind on my studies. Yaay for online college so I can still work full time and pretend to have a life outside of my cat-house.
Yesterday wasn’t great, but it wasn’t horrible. Today, I have great food plans. I was given half of a pimento cheese wrap from an awesome coworker, so I will do my best not to eat the tortilla part, and maybe not eat all of the cheese. I already had a chicken salad with guacamole with greens and kale. It was delicious. I’m still trying to figure out how to manage this blog. It seems like it always has my first post up as a draft when I log in, so I’m not sure but I think I’ve posted it a few times. I’ll have to go back and check.
I wasn’t entirely on track last night. I lost the anti-carb battle but I’m not giving up. It’s difficult to kick any kind of addiction, and food is no different. I try to tell myself I don’t live to eat, I eat to live. It will be easier soon when the carbs are completely out of my life. It’s much more difficult when you’re not buying the food you can’t have but it still ends up in your refrigerator, pantry, and bread box. I’m not proud of what I ate or how much I ate. I didn’t make me feel better and I know I can do better. There were a few factors against me, but I’m tired of excuses. I don’t like when other people have excuses so I’m definitely not exempt. Hopefully, I will update later and have good news. If not, I’ll try to update tomorrow. I’m hoping this blog will help me take control, and if anyone else ever reads it, I hope it can inspire them or let them know they are not alone.
Here I am; starting over again. I lost over 120lbs and was well on my way to being at my goal weight. Then, it happened. It wasn’t my fault, at least, but I’m not certain that makes it any better. I had a 360 lumbar spinal fusion surgery. It was supposed to decrease my pain and increase my stability. So far, I still have a visible pars defect and the pain has significantly increased. My weight has concurrently increased, as well. So, here’s Day One: Round Two. No carbs, no sugar. I don’t eat extra sugar with anything anyway, but I do love chocolate and sweets. I do eat tons of carbs. I had a severe food addiction at the beginning of my first weight loss journey/battle and I was able to conquer it until the pain started. I’ve been substituting food in place of dealing with the pain. The medication I’m not doesn’t help; my inhibitions go way down and my craving for food, especially delicious food, skyrockets out of control. I need to regain control. I am hoping, perhaps, this will help. I have MyFitnessPal. It was my best friend during Round 1 and it helped exponentially. I’ve still been using it, but I haven’t always been completely honest with myself. I would skip weigh-ins and omit entries once I knew I made mistakes for the day. It’s also difficult to stand around and cook considering it’s nearly impossible just to sit in a normal chair for any amount of time, stand in one place longer than a minute, and a number of other things. The main thing right now, right this very second, is that I am hungry. My doctor appointment today left me with a plan to stop gaining, so I’ll start again now. I had half a bagel with melted cheese and jalapenos for breakfast. I had a bag of steamed, mixed vegetables and three hard boiled eggs for lunch. I plan to go grocery shopping for dinner and come home with a rotisserie chicken and a sense of pride for not splurging or buying anything inappropriate. I may have a tablespoon of Jif Natural Peanut Butter for a snack later, but peanut butter has always been a love of mine, so I may skip it if I feel as if I can. So, here I go. Wish me luck. I will need it.
Oh, and I don’t know how much I need to lose because I refuse to get on my scale right now, but I will post how much to go as soon as I am confident I won’t break into tears with my weight reading. I’m going to estimate I have 70lbs to go right now. At least I didn’t gain back all 120lbs.